When Saturdays Were For Nursing A Cocaine Comedown

Carly BensonAddiction, Intentional Living, Sobriety, Spirituality, Transformation0 Comments

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I can remember the time when my Saturday afternoons were filled with day drinking at the pool to nurse the cocaine comedown I had just come off of.

Friday’s were for happy hours that turned into sunrise, so naturally Saturday became an extension of the party.

After getting a couple hours of bird chirping, soul sucking, halfway sleeping but more mentally-fighting-with-myself-sleep, I’d bounce up off of a friend’s couch or bed to reinitiate the party.

For a while there, Saturday afternoons and nights were my sad attempt to avoid siting with myself so I didn’t have to hear the voice inside saying “you did it again.”

So, I’d crack open a Blue Moon or bottle of wine-pagne at 10am and off to the races I would go.

Next thing I would know, it would be Sunday, which is a whole other story.

I would spend the entire weekend binging on alcohol, cocaine and other various drugs, depending on the mood and crowd, and before I knew it, it was back to “reality.”

For a while this worked and it was “fun,” but over time the fun had somehow vanished from my weekend warrior shenanigans.

All of a sudden, but yet not so suddenly, this drinking, drugging, partying thing had turned into necessity.

I didn’t know how to stop doing the thing that was sucking the life out of me.

I couldn’t seem to separate drinking from using coke and my life had turned into a high speed chase it seemed like, where I was in a mad dash at all times to find drugs and feel some sense of a high.

Then, the comedown started following me everywhere – even when I wasn’t coming down. Like the anxiety of my cocaine crash started to bleed over into my everyday life.

I would be at my desk at work thinking what a horrible person I was.

Or I would be lying in bed at night thinking what a terrible parent to my little dog I was.

Or I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic that would send me out to my front porch to try to catch my breath.

Life had become heavy; almost unbearable.

I knew I was living in a way that wasn’t truly in alignment with my values and if I’m being real honest – I didn’t even know what those were anymore, either.

After many years of chasing my tail in this way, over and over, like a broken record that was so warped the music had started to sound like nails on a chalkboard…

I finally came to the conclusion that I could not go on that way anymore.

So – I tried to moderate. I told myself I would only drink wine. And then proceed to fail, miserably.

I tried to go to “just happy hour,” “for 2 drinks,” but that always turned into blowing lines, chain smoking and watching the sun come up.

Rules didn’t seem to work.

I tried to stay in on Friday nights, since that seemed to set the tone for the weekend, but FOMO would always get the best of me when a friend called about where everyone was going that night.

Avoidance didn’t work either.

No matter what, I couldn’t seem to control it.

I was living with such shame, guilt and anger towards myself that it would send me into a tailspin of panic knowing that was wasn’t living congruently with what my heart kept trying to tell me.

On August 17th, 2008 after yet another one of “these” Saturdays, I had reached my breaking point.

After another happy hour turned sunrise, I was so exhausted, mentally battered and physically beat – I dropped to my knees in prayer.

This was NOT something I had ever done before nor was I the praying type of person, but in that moment I felt compelled to pray, which was a really plea born out of desperation for change.

I set an intention that day, without even really knowing I was doing it, to live a better life.

To change my ways. To seek out the life that was calling to me under all the noise of my addictions. To get sober. To free myself of anxiety.

To find out who I was and what I really wanted because deep down I knew there had to be a better way.

For so long my intention had just been to get drunk, party all night and be wild, all in an effort to be so busy and distracted that I didn’t have to listen to my thoughts which also kept me from pursuing any kind of purpose.

When my intention shifted into one that was focused on living a better life, everything changed. It was almost in an instant of asking for help via a prayer, that life completely started to open up.

Everything I needed started to appear, including my determination to quit drinking and using drugs.

I got clear on so many things and the fog lifted. The twilight zone I had been aimlessly walking around inside of for so long was no more.

Through the journey of recovery, I have learned that our intentions create our reality. And when you begin taking action from a place of mindfulness and intention, anything becomes possible.

Nine years later, I’m living a sober life I truly love.

That’s why I created the Art of Intentional Living program – to help teach people how to create shifts and transformation in their life using the power of intention.

Deepak Choprah talks about the law of intention and desire in his book, the 7 Spiritual Laws of Success. In it, he talks about a classic Vedic text known as the Upanishads, which declares,

“You are what your deepest desire is. As your desire is, so is your intention. As your intention is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny.”

This lends itself to how potent a clear set of intentions can be when it comes to creating anything you desire – whether it be to break a habit or addiction, change jobs, lose weight, eat better or lead a life you are passionate about.

Everything boils down to INTENTION. I wholeheartedly believe it is the catalyst for change.

Not only that, but it is a powerful force that drives the bus for our deepest needs and desires as it relates to relationships, money, love, spiritual awakening or bascially anything we want out of life.

The goal of the Art of Intentional Living is to help you get back in touch with yourself and identify how you truly want to be living.

Find out more here

This program is open to anyone who wants to live a more intentional life – one that promotes vivid clarity, radical inner empowerment and a much more mindful approach to everyday life choices.

When we begin living and taking action from our intentions, life opens up in beautiful ways.

Whether you are in recovery, curious about living vice-free or simply want to begin a new course of direction in any area of your life – this program will help you redefine and refine your who you are and how you CHOOSE to show up in this world.

If you’ve been struggling to make a change in your life or feel like you are waking up into your own version of the twilight zone – coming back to your core values, intentions and desires will serve you tremendously.

Click Here to learn more about the program and take advantage of the Early Bird pricing.

You CAN change your life. You CAN wake up absolutely loving your life. You can break free of habits and instead start living out of intention.

I invite you to surrender to the creation of the life you truly want.

Find out how here

When we stop fighting to hold on to the life and things we don’t really want, we move into new alignment and endless possibilities.

I can’t wait to help you uncover the power and Art of Intentional Living. I hope to see you soon.

Here’s to living intentionally, playing bigger and vibing higher, friends.