I MADE IT! Today I celebrate 5 years of sobriety from alcohol and cocaine. Not only do I celebrate my commitment to changing my life, I also honor the day I was saved by God’s grace.
You see, many of you know bits and pieces of my story. Some of you were with me during those days and experienced first hand what a hot mess I was. Some of you joined along in the journey after and have only heard some of the crazy stories of my extreme partying and sometimes frightening experiences. And others of you have been watching me from afar as I post music, positive quotes and now as I share Miracles Are Brewing.
The truth of it all is this: 5 years ago today after a 2-day bender, I reached my breaking point. I had grown so weary and tired of the party girl lifestyle that every bone in my body, every fiber in my being and most importantly the depths of my soul desperately wanted a change.
I had been partying non-stop from 2003 to 2008. There was not one instance in that span of time where I did not go out at least 4-5 nights a week and EVERY single time I was doing cocaine.
I was a functioning alcoholic/addict. I went to work. I paid my bills. I went to the gym. Basically, I wore it and hid it very well. But on the inside I started to become extremely depressed and overtaken by anxiety to the point that I was having panic attacks on the regular.
For me, there was no such thing as a couple drinks. There was no going to happy HOUR and then going home. I did not understand the concept of moderation in the slightest. The minute alcohol hit my system, I was off to the races. If I did not have cocaine at the time of my first drink, I was going to go to any length to find it. To chase it.
For anyone that has struggled with an addiction, you know exactly what I mean when I say: “The chase.” You know the texting, calling, asking around in the club, bouncing from one place to the next in search of a familiar face that will have what you are looking for. That relentless pursuit of your happy fix, whatever your poison may be.
At first, the chase was fun. Actually, it was a freaking blast. I was having the time of my life. It was like this secret society of people, we all did coke and then would pick different houses to go hang out at after the bar and inevitably watch the sunrise together.
Over time, though, it stopped being fun. It started to become more of a routine. I started to get out of control, not having any limits to what I would do or try. I would go on 3- day benders of no sleep and partying until I puked because my body literally could not take any more toxicity.
I had friends, one by one, all pull me to the side to tell me they were worried about me and that I really needed to think about slowing down. Some of them, I completely wrote off. I didn’t want to hear it. I wasn’t going to listen to this nonsense. I was fine. I didn’t have a problem. I didn’t need help. I had everything under control.
But I didn’t.
I could not control my addiction any longer. It had over taken my life and my thoughts. I was selfish and it began to affect my relationships with friends and loved ones because I was in a mode that was utterly destructive.
After a few more months of this lifestyle couple with this unexplainable tug on my heartstrings to clean up my act,
I finally broke…
I had gone out and I swore to myself that I was only going to have 2 drinks and go home. Almost as if it was a test.
Well, I failed miserably. Those 2 drinks turned in to a scavenger hunt for cocaine and led to me standing in a friend’s kitchen at 9am the next morning, agonizing that I had run out of my drugs, I had nowhere to sleep and I was mad at myself for failing the stupid test.
That day I became hopeless and I literally could feel my heart breaking as I realized all those things that people had told me were true.
I did need help.
On August 17th, 2008, at about 2pm in the afternoon as I was bawling my eyes out, frustrated that I had not slept in 2 days and distraught over the fact that I had let things come to this –
Something came over me.
I got on my hands and knees that day and prayed to a God I had never talked to before.
My prayer went something like this: “Please help me! I can’t do this on my own! I don’t even know how I got to this point. I just know that I need help. I’m scared. I feel so alone. I pray that you would take away these addictions and help me change my life. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Please God, help!“
As I finished praying, which I wasn’t even sure I was doing correctly, my tears started to dry up and calmness came over me. As I started to stand up, I heard a faint voice tell me, “Everything is going to be OK.”
My journey to recovery and miraculous life-change began that day. Although the road ahead of me was long and filled with curves, from that day forward,
I never drank or did cocaine again.
Thank you to everyone reading this. If you are reading this it means you have touched my life at some point in time. The reason I am sharing this story with all of you is because I know that each and every one of you can connect with this in some way. Maybe you are struggling with addictions yourself. Or perhaps a family member or friend is. I’m certain there are several of you who have lost a loved one to drugs.
What this tells me are 2 things:
- We are all connected in this life. We all go through the same types of trials, failed tests and defining moments that ultimately shape us into who we need to become.
- Addiction is an issue that affects so many people in this world, whether it is directly or indirectly.
A lot of you have been wondering what this whole Miracles Are Brewing thing is that I’m doing. I hope my story will shed some light on why I want to spread awareness and ultimately help other people.
Miracles Are Brewing is meant to be a resource for anyone who needs motivation and positive influence in their life. I write from the lens of what I’ve overcome with the help of God, my faith and living a Christian based life. I also share what I’ve learned in the process which includes:
New ways of thinking
How to handle life without using crutches
How to stay positive in a negative world
And most importantly how to live a life directed by a God who loves us no matter how many times we screw it up.
If you or anyone you know is facing a similar type of struggle, please share this with them. There is hope. It can be done. I am living proof that there is a very real and very powerful saving grace available to us all.
Miracles Are Brewing…